Finding Blessings in the Darkness

June 22, 2021 at 8:00 AM: I was preparing for a routine procedure that I had at least a half of dozen times in the past few years. I was in pre-op, answering all of the questions and getting ready for a very routine procedure. So routine that I had not cancelled my 10 AM meeting because I knew I would be out of recovery and on my way home. They wheeled me into the procedure room. I did all of the acknowledgements and signed off on the approval. 

At some point, I regained consciousness enough tell the doctors I did not hear them, let everyone know I am a Gator, and try to give my directions to call my boss to tell him I would not be a work. I tried to communicate to them that my lip really hurt from being cut by the ventilator but everyone thought I was trying to take the vent out.

June 26, 2021 mid-morning: I "woke" up. I had no idea I had lost five and a half days. I had no idea why I was strapped to the bed or could not talk. I slowly started coming too. It is very strange to lose time and never get it back. Mom and I "talked" to the doctor and I convinced him to take me off the vent, promising I would breathe.

For the past five and a half days I have been reflecting on where I was last year. 2021 was rough and I truly knocked on death's door several times. My mom commented the other night how strong my body is because it always fights back. I agree but I often wonder if it is more my mind making it keep going. I try to keep a positive attitude. I try to limit my worries to only those things I have control over. I try not to go to the worst case scenario while waiting. I have confronted death more times than a person should but I always win. I suppose I may like cats so much because I feel like I have nine lives like they do. It seems that as bad as this was, it may be the event that helped identify that my adrenal gland was damaged by the therapy. It would take three more months to come to that diagnosis but we finally got there because I kept pushing. It comes down to the fact that I know my body and regardless what doctors say, I know when something is off. I feel like lately I hear more and more stories about patients having to advocate for themselves. I hate this because I feel that is why we have doctors and nurses. However, due to insurance company policies doctors are moving too fast from patient to patient and have to always be concerned if insurance will pay for specific tests. Human lives should never be compromised for the bottom line. I am fortunate because I am not afraid to push and fight, it is why I have a reputation for being a fixer but when we are sick and tired, the fight is hard. 

I am so thankful that I came through the events of 2021. I hate how stressful this event was for my family, friends, and colleagues. It would take months for me to begin feeling alive again but I finally got there. 

I am feeling the best I have felt in a long time. I attribute this to managing my adrenal gland insufficiency, being on hold from treatment, and being able to minimize my physical activities. Being at the house, I am able to conserve my energy. I only travel to Mayo every three months instead of every three weeks. Today, Pancake had to go to the vet because he is a little off right now. Since I needed to talk to the vet, I went inside. By the time we got home, I was exhausted and could barely keep my eyes open. Yet, when I am home, I am able to work, do light house chores (dishes, laundry, etc.), and walk to the mailbox. I sometimes forgot my limitations but my body is quick to remind me. I strive every day to do a little better than I did the day before. I have a lot of fight left and I plan to use it.

My three babies!

For tonight . . . I'm just sayin' XOXO